President Trump might be supporting a ban on bump stocks and the strengthening of background checks," reported a bemused Trevor Noah at the top of Wednesday's show. "Which is weird, right? Trump might do something good. You know you don't know how to feel about that. It's like getting hit on by someone really hot but they're also your cousin."
He theorized that Trump is signaling a willingness to take these measures "because he's watching the same kids we've all been watching the past few days."
After a montage of impassioned speeches from the kids that ended with one Parkland survivor saying he's "just trying not to let 17 of us get shot in the (expletive) face again," Noah chimed in, noting "I think that last kid is very relatable ... I too do not want to be shot in the (expletive) face. Wherever Malala is right now, she's like, 'That's what I've been saying!'
He then turned to figures like former Florida Republican Congressman Jack Kingston, "who say they're suspicious that kids don't want to be shot in the face."
"Do we really think — and I say this sincerely — do we really think 17-year-olds, on their own, are going to plan a nationwide rally?" Kingston asked on CNN. "I'd say to you very plainly that organized groups that are out there, like George Soros, are always ready to take charge and it's like instant rally, instant protest."
Coming out of the clip, Noah put on his best southern drawl and replied, "In all sincerity, get the (expletive) out of here. You seriously think adults can convince teenagers to do something they don't want to do? Really? You think these kids were seriously pro-gun and then George Soros showed up and was like, 'Who wants Skittles?' You think they can't plan a few events? If this guy had seen at least one movie about high school, he'd know that planning rallies is at least 30% of being a teenager. The other 70% is falling in love with vampires."
Noah conceded that the students probably did receive some help. "But it doesn't mean it's not their idea," he argued. "It's the same way teenagers get grown-ups to help buy them booze. But when that happens, we don't ask them, 'Who made you want to get crunk tonight? Who was it, huh? Was it the Democrats?' "
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
In his monologue Wednesday night, Colbert recapped the shooting survivors' march on the Florida State Capitol in Tallahassee, where they demanded their state representatives take action to prevent another massacre — and the adults' lackluster — and in some cases, cynical — response to their activism.
After a montage of impassioned speeches from the students, the camera came back to Colbert staring at his phone. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch all that," he admitted. "I was reading on Twitter how all millennials are lazy and entitled."
He continued, "This comes on the heels of last night, when, with Parkland students watching, state house members voted down a motion to debate an existing bill that would ban assault weapons and large-capacity ammunition magazines. So what legislation did they focus on instead? A bill that declares porn dangerous!"
He marveled, "What do you have against teenagers? First, you won't do anything about guns. Now, you're takin' away their porn!"
Colbert imagined a dad knocking on his teen's bedroom door: "What are you doing in there? You'd better be loading a gun, young man!"